Whoever Prudence was, I feel like she would understand how I’m feeling.

It’s a brand new day, right?

Pai,

Voce sabe que te amo? Espero que sim. Espero, pai, que voce sabe que achava voce um homem maravilhoso.

Nos tivemos muitos problemas com nos relecionar. Aparecia que voce nao intendia o jeito que eu pensava, aparecia que voce nunca tentavo. Depois que voce morreu, eu vi que nos somos muitos aparecidos. Que tudo que voce fez, voce fez pensando em mim. Que todo momento que voce sofriu nesse pais, foi para mim.

Vejo Jesus ate nisso, velho. Que Jesus viu pra uma terra que nao era dele, pra sofrer, e ate morrer, para que nos podemos ter uma vida melhor. Uma vida verdadera. Para que nos podemos ser cidadoes de uma outra terra.

E voce veio ate aqui, e sofriu, sofriu muito, apara que eu pudesse ter uma vida melhor. Para ser cidadao de uma terra melhor.

Tudo que voce fez, voce fez para mim. Nao sei nem como te agradecer. Tento viver de uma manera que voce gostaria, mais sei que muitas vezes nao consigo.

Ninguem vai tomar seu lugar. Seria impossivel. Nao existe ninguem igual voce.

Te amo demais, velho. Mica ta com muita saudade de voce tambem. Falo pra ela que eu sei- que tambem sempre to procurando pra voce.

Te amo.

“It has to be this way- my heart is Yours.”

This was one of the love songs you always had playing before you died. You loved that cd, and though this wasn’t one of your favorite songs, it was mine, so you played it plenty.

I still love listening to the song, but it’s not easy. Funny how the words “it has to be this way…” repeat themselves. As if a constant reminder that there’s no other way- “It has to be this way,” right?

I’ve turned that one line into pure worship, directing it at God, because it seems the only way the song will ever be bearable. I tell Him everytime- “I guess it has to be this way, God, and my heart is still Yours.”

Dad, I miss you. I’ve been so frustrated- heck, just so angry- that we missed out on what the best part of our relationship was gonna be. When things were getting good, when we were getting healthy, you had to head home.

I love you. I’m wearing your watches, your hats. I’m listening to your CDs. I think of you everyday.

Really tired of feeling like this. But nothing makes it better.

You died on January 24th, 2012. When mom told me, I couldn’t believe it. There are no words to describe how I felt, so I won’t try. But I’ll say this- it was the worst thing I have ever felt in all my life.

I miss you. It’s been almost 3 weeks and each day gets harder. I don’t want to graduate, because you won’t be able to see me in my cap and gown. I don’t want to get married if you can’t be there to see. I can’t stand the thought of having kids if you’re not there to spoil them.

I don’t know how to persevere through this. I will, of course. I don’t have much of a choice. But it seems impossible right now.

I miss you, dad.

You told me this is where you want me.

You told me You’d take care of me.

I’m so tired, so drained, so ready to collapse and give up.

I know so much of it is my fault. Honestly, that makes it all the worse.

I can’t help but feel like a screw-up. And even in areas where I haven’t screwed up, I’m waiting till I do.

Daddy, I don’t feel You here, but I know You are with me. I don’t feel hopeful, but I know You have my hope. I don’t feel wanted, welcome, loved, or treasured. But I know You want me, welcome me, love me, and treasure me.

Joy of my life

<3

I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know how or why. But goodness, I just really, truly fell in love with the Bride of Christ- The Church.

~

I love seeing a sanctuary filled with people sincerely worshiping, forgetting themselves and their worries and fears.

I love seeing real, honest accountability.

I love seeing those of different races, backgrounds, denominations, ages, genders, social status, uniting simply because they love Christ and GOODNESS that’s better and bigger than anything else.

~

I want to be a pastor because I am tired of seeing The Bride abused, beat up, dragged through mud, and slandered. I’m also tired of seeing The Bride settling- not living up to her potential.

I just love The Bride.

But the chief of them is this- I live to let You shine.

This break I had a lot of miniature breakthroughs. Probably because it was the first time my mind had time to actually think about things, rather than just do them.

Oddly enough, I feel as if I have more questions now than at the beginning of break, which is sometimes how “breakthrough” works. All I know is I’m sold out on one thing… 

I am my Beloved’s, and my Beloved is mine.

• Movies with dad
• Panera bread with mom
• Playing with my puppy
• Lunch with Greg
• Tea with Erica
• Bro-date with Joe
• Man-night with Mark and the boys
• Lunch with Drew
• Reading
• Staying in bed a little more than usual
• Halo
• Thanksgiving with EVERYONE

It’ll be good to be HOME

Before you left, you told me something that stuck with me sharply. Maybe it was out of fear. You told me that one day, when I was a pastor, I would be having a hard time and I would desperately need someone to pastor me- but there wouldn’t be anyone. You told me that everyone would expect me to help them, and guide them, but I would be so in need of guidance and help myself.

I expected that day… But never thought it would come so stinkin soon.

Lately I just miss having someone in my life who was entirely all about me. It sounds so selfish, but I swear it’s not. It’s just hard to keep myself taken care of when all of my relationships expect so much from me.

He’s surely alive,

Living on the inside

Roaring like a lion.

<3

And I praise my God so so so so so so much for His love, that conquers all.

I’ll be truly glad. I know, I trust, that there is wonderful joy ahead.

See, I might have to endure many trials for a little while. Heck, I’ve been enduring many trials, for more than a little while. But these trials are just going to show that my faith is genuine. My faith is being tested and purified, like fire tests and purifies gold. These trials are burning away some impurities that have no place in my life, just like fire burns impurities in gold. But the truth is my faith is so much more precious than silver or gold. 

—

My faith is in a God who is truer than true, higher than mountains, mightier than tsunamis and hurricanes. More beautiful than rainbows, than waterfalls, than sunset or sunrise.

He’s proven that His love is deeper than the deepest ocean, nd taller than the tallest tree. He’s proven that He cares about me more than any person ever, ever, ever could. He’s proven that He loves me more than I could ever imagine- in fact, my use of the word “love” could not ever possibly explain how He feels about me.

—

Lord, I’ll love You back. I’ll trust You because You’ve proven to be trustworthy. Because if You care about me so so so so much- and Lord I don’t know why You would, but You’ve convinced me that You do- then clearly Your ways are best for me.

Lord I’ll love You, Lord I’ll love You. With all my life, with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength.